Tuesday, February 11, 2014

TROFEO 2.0 When Santa Came Home [Category: Middle Entry No.: 9]

Christmas is a festival where Santa Claus give gifts and visits every house. Whenever I think of Christmas, my mind trails back to the time when Santa Claus was at our doorstep. Let me share this story to you.
It was the eve of Christmas. We decorated our Christmas tree and kept the cookies and milk near it. As we baked more cookies we watched one movie. It was Harry Potter - The Philosopher's Stone. The air was filled with aroma of cookies. Suddenly somebody started banging our house door. We were scared My father looked through the door hole. He smiled and muttered "Great! Santa Claus has come at our doorstep!" He opened the door and there he saw Santa Claus . Santa Claus laughed and chuckled and giggled some more . He laughed again and said-
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas fellas!!! I am Santa Claus! May I come in?". He went towards the sofa and sat with a thump. I asked "How come you came at our doorstep and why not with your signature entrance?" Santa Claus smiled and replied" Ah! It is a very long story. I had visited all the places in the world. The only place left was your place. I was very tired. And the aroma of your cookies brought me here. I did not want to come through the chimney again. So I thought it would be better to enter your house normally with no 'chimney- entering' techniques. Can I have some cookies and milk?" We offered the milk and cookies to Santa Claus. When he was finished he told us some stories related to Christmas. Suddenly our phone rang. My father picked it up. 

The conversation went like this-
Father: Hello? Who is speaking?

Caller: Hi Vineet! How are you? Merry Christmas! This is me, Fred. The sleigh symbolizing the vehicle of Santa Claus outside your house looks pretty awesome. Where did you get this from? It must be two thousand dollars.

Father: Ummm.... Actually Fred, I got this as a gift from my old friend in USA. Meet you tomorrow in office and thanks for appreciating my decoration. Bye! Merry Christmas!
It was actually Santa Claus's sleigh.
Then Santa Claus sang a few carols and explained in detail why Christmas was celebrated in. He gave us some gifts like-a laptop, a few books and fancy pencils and toys.We thanked him for that. He gave his home address(which is a secret ) and his email id which is santa.clausgifts@yahoo.com. Then Santa Claus asked us to show him me and my sister's room. When we entered the room he saw a picture of himself drawn by me and my sister. Santa was very happy then we saw him taking a stick from his coat pocket and flicked it on the picture.The picture became alive. Santa Claus said "You can talk to me through this picture. And if you want to visit my house then call out to this picture 'May I come into your house!' and then you will see a type of well. Plunge into it and you will reach my house. He got up and
it was time for him to go. We bade him goodbye and then Santa Claus sat on his sleigh, pulled the ropes and his sleigh flew up, up and then it disappeared in the sky.

Santa Claus's visit in our house was fun and we enjoyed it. I hope he comes to your house too!!Merry Christmas!!!


Renee : This was a magical view of Santa’s visit to the last house on his Christmas Eve tour.  You used lots of sensory details to place your reader directly into the story.  You can improve this story by including a stronger goal for your main character.  What does he really want from Santa?  What might he want to give him?  When you present a goal in the beginning of a story, your readers will cheer when your character meets that goal at the end.  Overall, this is well-written and interesting!

Sandhya : Very imaginative! Santa’s secret home address and email ID are very nice touches. I was also amused by Santa’s banging on the door while the children were watching Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – clearly a reference to Hagrid. Also the fact that he does not want to use the ‘chimney-entering technique’, and Father’s explanation of the sleigh outside the door.
Do hold on to this story and work on it a bit more later to improve the flow of the narrative. Keep reading and writing.

Neha : An excellent attempt. The story has a well thought out plot. A nice beginning and well described logical conclusion. There is characterization, dialogue, imagination and creativity.
The twist of the Santa picture becoming alive and a secret way to Santa is very interesting. The laptop and mail id idea give it a modern turn. The story is engaging till the end.
There are a few grammatical errors but can be ignored. One is the use of ‘and’ to begin a sentence and the other is the arrangement of persons in nouns; it should be ‘my sister and me’ not the other way round.

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