Friday, January 31, 2014

TROFEO 2.0 - When Santa Came Home [Category: Junior, Entry No.: 1]


It was the night before Christmas when Santa came home. It struck 12O’clock at night. I heard some noise .I woke up and went near the study table. I saw a gift and I saw Santa at the window. While he was going he promised me he would come today at our party. In excitement woke up early and started decorating the hall where party will be held. I was done with one wall mom woke up. She also helped me in decorating the hall. Then I helped mom in baking the cake and many other recipes for party. I was expecting that Santa would come at starting but he came in between the party. When the light had gone and had come again we found Santa at the dancing floor. All shouted and hooted when they saw the Santa at dance floor. We all cut the cake which I and mom had made. Then mom served the beverages to everyone and I helped. Every one enjoyed the party and danced a lot with Santa. When it struck 12O’clock Santa disappeared but when I went to my father’s room I came to know actually my father was dressed as Santa. We had a happy ending.

Renee : This story is a fun reversal of the Santa coming at midnight story.  Instead, you show what Santa does before midnight.  It has a good opening and conclusion that pulls the story together nicely.  However, I would like to see more sensory imagery to describe the sights, sounds, textures, flavors, and aromas of your Christmas setting.  You have a few grammatical errors, as well, but overall, this is an interesting story.

Sandhya : Lovely, the way Santa appears in the midst of the party when lights are off!
Very well narrated. You need to break the narrative into smaller paragraphs, though. Maybe add a line or two of dialogue? That would have really perked up the story more.

Keep writing regularly, and read a lot too!

Neha : A fairly written write up. It is a good try at plot construction and story line. Well written and good use of language. There is even a revelation at the end but it is very predictable
No notable errors except the omission of I in sentence seven. Also ‘would’ should have been used instead of will in the same sentence.
It is a fair attempt.